Angry Men

It is 4:00 am in southwestern Japan and boisterous gale force winds are shaking the house and trees. This setting is appropriate for writing about the anger issues of men. This blog has been simmering for a couple weeks waiting for just the right time to launch out into and explore the dark and tumultuous waters of anger.

Introduction

Anger – the very sound of the word calls forth a strong emotional reaction. Memories begin to flood the hearer. Few of these memories are pleasant. Who can say, oh they have such good memories of anger. No! We love to recall times of love, peace and tranquility. Recently I received an email from a man who signed it with peace, love and the epitaph to hell with the devil. Was I shocked? No, I loved it. That expresses how many men feel today. We want to live in peace and love, but we have anger that needs to be vented in the right direction. He was doing a good job of it. I believe more men need to get angry with the devil!

I have no idea how deep this blog will go or how long this journey will be. As usual with many blogs there is either a clear Word from the Lord or an incident or series of happenings that bring about the birth of a blog. This is not male bashing by the way. After the Holy Spirit gave this thought to me the realization came that another would follow addressing anger in women.

Examples of Male Anger

I don’t plan to compartmentalize anger by gender. I am just approaching this first from the perspective of men. Obviously, names cannot be used, but these examples come from daily life in ministry, family and friends.

#1. We visit a Southeast Asia nation for ministry. At the close of the service Sharon notices that something is wrong with one of the young women who just recently married. The Holy Spirit prompted her to inquire of how she was doing. Her eyes reflected deep sorrow and pain. As Sharon ministered to the young woman I noticed her husband was very nervous. It only took a few minutes to determine he was physically abusing her. We spent some time in prayer and counseling with the couple. Their secular culture and society allowed the man to beat the wife as he felt “necessary”. Later it was revealed that the couple’s highly educated pastor also beat his wife who was a medical doctor. When confronted later the minister said that his wife would get out of control and he would have to “pop her one” to calm her.

#2. I was a young teen at a church summer camp. There was a hot game of shuffle board going on including the state bishop. He got so angry over the game, as a youth, I was waiting for him to cuss. Later I played one-on-one basketball with a church pastor. He got so angry in a “friendly” game of basketball I was afraid that he would hurt me. Talk about church camp having an effect on young people. The church I grew up in taught about sanctification as a “second definite work of grace”. I was led to believe that “sanctified” people did not get angry.

#3. A Pentecostal pastor in Japan beat and bruised his wife for years until the granddaughter told the truth to a church member who inquired about the facial injuries on her grandmother. The pastor refused counseling and eventually had to resign the church. Still unwilling to repent or admit being wrong, he chose to separate from his wife. She now serves as pastor in his place. What a tragedy, in a nation suffering from a severe shortage of pastors & believers!

#4. A pre-teenage boy is extremely bright getting top grades in his school classes. Over a period of time it is learned that he severely injured other children requiring medical treatment. The anger has continued to escalate with the possibility of institutional incarceration being considered by the courts. He is a brilliant student in school. Both parents have anger issues and are at a loss not knowing what to do.

#5. Recent news focused on 21 year old Rihinna Fenty and 19 year old singer/actor Chris Brown. The couple, though not married yet, had a highly publicized “domestic violence” incident that may result in criminal prosecution of the young man. A short time later they were said to be reconciled and dating again. Both stated how much they cared for the other. Not yet married and the violence already started in their relationship.

#6. On March 11, 2009 a 17 year old German boy entered his former high school and began shooting. He shot and killed both students and teachers. As he fled from the school he also killed others on the street and in a car dealership. In all 15 people died at his hands before he committed suicide. A similar incident took place in Germany in 2002 when a 19 year old shot and killed 12 teachers, a secretary, two students, and a police officer before shooting himself.

Biblical Perspective on Anger

Anger – charah, to grow warm, to blaze up, wax hot, displeased, grieve, jealousy, zeal.

The basic meaning of anger in the Bible is similar to fire. There must be combustible materials and a source of ignition or a flash point. The material in the incidents above was people. We are made in the image of God, yet it seems to be so easy for some men to flare up in anger. As fire is usually destructive so is anger. The old saying, if you play with matches you get burned is especially true of anger. Someone always gets hurt or killed when anger takes place between people. Gen 4:5 But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth (angry), and his countenance fell. 8 And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. KJV

Not all fires flare up suddenly. Some smolder over a period of time. Years ago I remember a severe thunderstorm. Lightning struck a dead tree in a hay field across the road from our house. We thought little of if. The next day we were shocked as the whole field erupted into a brush fire requiring the Fire Department coming to extinguish it. The tree was struck the day before and then quietly and silently smoldered inside. The fire from the lightning strike apparently burned down from inside the dead tree taking several hours until the dry grass at the base caught fire and then the whole field was ablaze. We can see this same principle at work in the lives of many seemingly mild mannered and quiet people. Then suddenly one day they snap and horrible rage erupts like a volcano spreading destruction and sometimes death!

James 3:6 And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness, and poisons every part of the body. And the tongue is set on fire by hell itself and can turn our whole lives into a blazing flame of destruction and disaster. TLB What a descriptive account of fire (anger) started by our words. Mention is made that hell is a contributing source of the fire that eventually will spread to our entire life bringing destruction and disaster. God help us! Is there any hope for this curse of anger?

Where Does Anger Come From?

My mentors from early years would have replied, from the pits of Hell while acting out and regularly displaying uncontrolled anger. Denial is usually dangerous. Those mentors suffered from wrong theology and maybe some from a touch of hypocrisy. I was taught that all anger was “demonic”. That bothered me when I read scriptures like Eph 4:26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. NIV In Matthew 21:12-13 we see Jesus turning over tables and chairs and chasing the money changers out the temple. One might be led to believe that the Son of God got angry. For sure the “zeal” (charah) of the Lord was operating through Jesus to right a wrong.

What I had been taught in church, observed in life and experienced my own life said there was something missing or wrong in that theology. The Bible is clear that we are made in God’s own image (Gen 1:26) meaning we “resemble” God. I know that mankind fell into sin in the Garden of Eden and came under a curse. But our basic emotions, all of them, were placed there by God. That is like some taught that sex was “dirty” or “wrong”. That too was frequently hypocritical and involved a lot of denial of the truth. Note! I am not a theologian or professional counselor. I only had one psychology course in college. It was mostly about monkeys not people!

I believe those emotions were placed within each of us by our Creator God. Those emotions have a God-intended purpose. If those emotions are operating as they should and intended by God, only good will come from them. Obviously, the devil is out to exploit and spoil God’s creation. It is our choice to either submit to God or the devil. Romans 6:13 Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. 16 Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? 19 I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness. KJV

The above verses make it clear that we have a choice. We are responsible to “yield” our emotions and bodies to God or the enemy. There is a third element that I will simply call our “self will”. This can be a powerful friend or foe. The old adage the devil made me do it just does not fit sometimes. Recently I counseled with a new believer who was worried about hearing from the wrong spirit. I advised them that they were fighting with their own will and were being tempted to do what they wanted to do. There was no value with blaming their complex problems on either the devil or God. They were being their own worst enemy. In Romans 6 Apostle Paul advocated death as the best cure for this human nature problem. He said we need to die and when we are truly dead then we will no longer be controlled by sin and the accompanying emotions such as anger or lust.

Find the Source

Without going deeply into psychology, we all may realize there are things in our life, both recent and even early childhood that caused us pain. For me, my father died when I was a new born baby. Some were physically abused in childhood. Others were abandoned or rejected in some manner. Some have been deeply wounded in painful relationships that have gone wrong. All that caused pain and left mental and spiritual scars. These pains, I believe are like kindling wood in our lives upon which flash fires of anger can be ignited. There are initial steps that can be taken to help deal with anger, in my opinion.

1. Admit or confess you have a problem with anger. Don’t deny it, make excuses or blame someone else. It is your personal problem first and foremost. I take comfort in the scripture. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. KJV Uncontrolled anger is a sin. We need to confess and then repent to God and to those we have injured with that anger. God will forgive and so will others when they see the problem is being dealt with and will not repeat its long running cycle.

2. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the source of your anger. What happened in your past that still hurts and angers you? What wrong has not been set right that still bothers you? What offense has been committed against you that still is eating at you? The Holy Spirit will answer this kind of prayer. You can be sure of that because God wants you happy and healthy.

3. Forgive! We must forgive those who caused or are causing that pain in our lives. We can even forgive those we cannot get in touch with. I realized we even need to forgive those who are dead. Forgiveness is about them but, in many aspects forgiveness is primarily between us and God. So forgive that dead parent who hurt you. Many struggle with forgiving themselves. We cannot forgive others if we cannot forgive our own self. God loves us and is faithful and just to forgive us when we confess and repent. We must do it too!

4. Identify the triggers or flash points of anger. If these are present in marriage relationships a couple can talk and pray together about these. Many books tell us that money and sex are the two problems that are most likely to cause conflict in a relationship. There are good resources available to help in this area. It may be necessary to seek counseling in some cases.

5. Submit your anger to the Heavenly Father. I have this visual image of a little boy carrying a bird with an injured wing to his daddy. Or a little boy with a broken toy asking his father to heal or repair the broken part. Anger is a valid emotion placed within us from birth, but when it is destructive or uncontrolled it becomes a sin. Something is broken. Submit the broken part to the Master Maker. He can heal and repair His beloved creation. God will heal us.

Conclusion

I realize there is much more to be said or addressed on the subject of anger in men. We cannot blame it simply on our gender or genes. There are some elements in those two that have some bearing. I recently read that a normal male produces 40 to 60 times more testosterone than a female. It is said this hormone accounts for the difference in body mass, strength and size. In other words, God intended the man to be the physically stronger and more aggressive of His two beloved creations – man and woman. Society and culture is working hard to pervert God’s original plan. I believe the man is supposed to protect and care for his wife and children. The aggressive part of man should be directed against all enemies who would threaten to destroy his wife and children, physically or spiritually.

Sadly, the strength, aggression and anger are too often directed toward those God intended for him to love and cherish. We don’t have to throw up our hands in defeat! God can heal that which is diseased. God can repair that which is broken. We can submit our pain, problems and anger to the Heavenly Father. He will not reject, disappoint or turn us away.

I have been an angry man in the past. I have taken the steps given earlier. They work! Is everything perfect in my life and relationships? No yet, but things in my life have improved more than I ever dreamed possible in the past. Don’t build a statue of me quite yet as a perfect husband or father. I can hear my family saying Amen to that! They also will admit God has been doing a work in me the past few years. On a personal note, I anoint myself every morning as soon as I get out of bed. Part of that anointing and prayer is for my hands to be, hands of love, hands of war, creative hands, healing hands, hands of strength and hands of gentleness. Men can be strong and still loving and gentle at the same time.

May God bless you as you deal with anger!

Dan Corbett

“Reaching One Among Millions